we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
