i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
