The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
