last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
