my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
