how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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