When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize