I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
