you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I enjoy the company of your penis
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