I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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