they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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