he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
