oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
