And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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