I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
