how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
