when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
