I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
