I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
