He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
