Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
