Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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