I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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