i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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