i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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