ya dads aren't the best wingmen
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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