I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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