it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
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got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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