Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
