Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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