Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
