Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
