I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
