I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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