Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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