Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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