there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
