There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
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She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
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Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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