once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
