I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
