so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
