last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
