Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
