Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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