After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
