I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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