apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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