mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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