A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
