I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
