I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
