I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
