Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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