You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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