getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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