well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
