then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
