i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
