so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
