They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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